30-Something & Single

  I woke up today, like every other day for the past 5 years, alone and single.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love sleeping with Cleetus my hound mix, who is a super-awesome snuggle buddy, but...there is no but, I just figured you would be anticipating one so I delivered.  Most of the time, I relish in the single life, getting to do what I want to do and living alone without anyone to answer to.  Sometimes a girl just wants to be lazy and let the house get trashed or frolic in the nude, coughing away knowing I do not have anyone judging the jiggling of the evil McMuffin-top I am working very hard to get rid of (great Seinfeld episode btw).  I have never been married, never even been asked, and no children, by all means I am the old maid.  It wasn't until I turned 30 that I decided to get back into school and at this point, I am really only motivated by finishing that choice successfully.  I think trying to balance children and school is clinically insane, but I salute you mothers out there that can do it, mine did and that's just one more reason that woman is amazing to me.  *Side note: I get irritated with my cat who is VERY talkative, sometimes following me around and won't shut the hell up...he's doing it now.  I made the mistake of feeling pity for them (him and the Siamese) and started dolloping wet food in addition to dry food to the felines plate.  He struts up, sits right next to me and licks his lips and meows...constantly.  I mean, if you're one to gag over mouth noises, this guy right here will send you into salivation. I sometimes daydream about having his vocal cords surgically removed or I fear that eventually I am going to throw myself off of the Eads Bridge.  He pissily meanders away when he doesn't get what he wants and I swear he meows "fuck you" to me.  I love him though, that is unmistakable, but back to the single part.
     I'm kind of a hard person to get along with.  I'm told by men and women alike that I'm intimidating, and my little brother is scared of me and he's 19.  Am I a class A bitch?  Sure, but I'm a good bitch.  I work with animals, who are 99.9999999% of the time worth more of a shit than any of your friends.  I will help any of my friends, and I stick up for what I believe in so I guess me backing my opinion and thoughts makes me a bitch.  Cool, so understand here, when you are a woman, and you have this confidence, the good men are scared to come up to you.  I get assholes and douche bags who have nothing to lose and just want to try and get some poon tang.  These tools have already d-bagged their way through the rest of any other thing in the room with a vagina and a pulse, and when even those girls aren't stupid or drunk enough to fall for the BS, they move on to the last resort...girls that are obviously slick to the agenda and already have the hand up.  Do these guys even give a bubbled pink baboons ass?  Not even remotely, they are going to try until every last woman has said no and there is no one else but Rosy Palms available for room service.  They get all up in my personal space. and spew crappy pick-up lines and douche baggery all over my freshly dry cleaned garments.  Sometimes, you have to get down right snotty and pick a fight for them to get lost. So this is what I am stuck with.  That and the occasional one thats OK, but I am in no way, shape or form, physically attracted to them.  If I am and we hit it off, I sleep with them, and then discover they had just started seeing someone else at the same time as me, already have a girlfriend or are married.  I'm that girl that is a magnet for all the dicks of St. Louis so it has made me super skeptical and paranoid of men.  I do not date in my friend circle because I'm not a "hood rat" and "study" is the only word that describes my life during the semester.  Seriously though, most of the guys I know are cool friends, tattoo and bar industry folk.  I, however, have tasted the finer things in life and want someone that has security.  I'm in my 30's and look for different things now.  I would have dated a guy living in his parents basement with a shitty job and no goals in my 20's, but now, I am going for my bachelors in biochemistry and I look for someone who WANTS to travel, eat at a great new restaurant with a bottle of vino, or go to the symphony, which is a shocker to most I know, but I enjoy it quite thoroughly.  I used to play clarinet and was a band nerd, so if you'z gotta problem with band nerds? Then go blow a flute.  One might ask, does this make me a gold digger?  Meh, I'm not looking to find a rich old man and spend my nights hiding behind corners hoping to scare him into a coronary and roll in sweet life insurance laden bliss, but I'm not looking to support you while you are in between jobs and have children from other relationships you can't take care of.  That's not hot to a woman....at all, although there are some out there that will take whatever comes along because they have no spine and can't stand to be alone and without a man for one second.  I pity the broads whom can't function as strong women.  We wear our balls on our chests so puff those things out and don't take shit from anyone.
    Moving along, so I dated a guy named Matt for almost 5 years.  I caught him partaking in some not so nice boyfriend activity involving a red-head who was engaged and then some texts from an ex and that was the end of him.  If I can't trust that guy, I can't trust anyone.  He had me fooled, so bad and we had a great and very active sex life. That wasn't the issue.  I think he just hadn't sewn all the oats yet.  I am a firm believer that if you get married before 30 that you are a cheating yourself and didn't live your life to the fullest. I understand the feeling of love and how it works but I just think that you don't know the person you are with and who they will become when they grow up, or if you two will be on the same page later in life.  I am still in love with the guy I first fell for when I was 20.  We still see each other as he is one of my best friends brothers, and I would date him again...now.  If we had gotten married at all before now, we would be divorced.  He went to medical school, is now a doctor and chicks throw themselves at him.  Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn't matter how ugly or hot you are, if you have money...pussy throws itself at you, let's not act like it doesn't happen.  That is one drawback of marrying with money, you really have to be secure in your relationship because it will get tested by gold diggers and hot pool boys who want to give your ladies hot tub a good skimming.  I'm not bragging by any means, but I just don't get laid that often either.  It's an average of once a year, then horrible things occur and I am scared into introversion.
     Other than Matt, I have led a not so productive love life.  I'm in no hurry, the eggs haven't scrambled yet and I don't need a husband to feel complete, but sometimes the touch is a very soothing, needed feeling. I think I'm an attractive girl, and I have friends that have no problem going from relationship to relationship, but in my world, all you hear are the chirps of the crickets legs as they string together a melody of perpetual loneliness. The double edged sword, is to either be happy in this macrocosm or rot in its misery.  I seem to get stabbed in my heart, and back a lot for that matter.  School has been a saving grace with the preoccupation of study, which, like a true friend, is always there for me:)  
   I dance in the rain of the tears, shed by this forlornness, where grass grows a lush and crisp green on the other side of the fence.  I wonder how many of us are out there, listening to the sounds of these contented crickets, when all they seem to fiddle is the notion we are to love and to be loved.  I am happy in miserable bliss.